virusoflife

You sit on your front porch, watching the street light across the street, it flickers once. Its 3:42 AM and you just realized that even though your family loves you, the only thing you need is someone to care for, someone to love.

So you sit on your front porch, watching the light. You might smoke a cigarette or drink a beer, but you don’t really need them. You watch the tree near the street light sway in the wind, scared of life.

You’ve had girls in your life, but it all soured and went wrong. It might have been your fault, but odds are that it wasn’t. Odds are that they left you, cheated on you, or just plain decided there was no reason anymore. You realize that you lose every chance to be truly happy in life.

So you sit outside on your front porch.
You watch the street light across the street.
You might shed a tear or two, but this isn’t a physical sadness that can be purged.

This is a soul-crushing, heart-wrenching, nauseating, black abyss kind of sadness. And you are scared and alone, and all you want is someone to look at you an say, “Everything will be okay. Come with me.”

You know that wont happen soon or at all.
So, instead, you sit on your front porch.
Watching the street light and the swaying trees.
All while you die inside.

Goodnight.

[--Life--]
I can’t think. I have things to say. But I can’t figure out how to write them down. I can’t figure out how to make sentences about this right now. I can’t sleep. What is going on. There is an empty cold feeling in my chest. My mind has thoughts racing through it but I can’t focus on them. I thought I could. I thought this was going to be something to write down. Maybe if I say what has happened recently? But thats going to get me depressed. Oh well fuck it.

I’m… on my antidepressants. I don’t think I can funtion without them anymore. I don’t think its a big enough dose. I can’t feel anything right now but the feeling in my chest.

So all I am is Kristin’s friend. She doesn’t want to lose me so… Her and the other guy are in an “open” relationship. I don’t know what to think right now. I had thoughts while laying in bed, but now… my mind is blank.

My world is falling apart. My mind is now dependant on these pills after only a short time. My heart feels like its missing. My body shakes and I can’t stop it anymore. I’m at the end.

[--Life--]
So about the situation with the girl. I’m gonna do what I can to ignore it. Let her do whatever she wants. I’m done I’ll be a fucking ghost. Be there for when the guild does stuff but after that I’ll log the fuck out. Let her and him do whatever. If it is like what my buddy Alex said for some reason she felt I wouldn’t be good for her so fuck it. I’ll treat you like the rest of my friends. I’ll let you get in touch with me. Dude told me to back the fuck off, she isn’t even trying to talk to me so fuck it.

I got my antidepressants. My body is fucking killing me now. I’m shaking, I feel like throwing up, my head is like… I donno it just feels different. Atleast me feeling like shit is good news. If I get the side efffects that means my body is trying to get used to them. I don’t remember these feelings when I was on the last 2. Maybe this prescription will work or maybe its just because of the bigger dose.

[--WoW--]
I’ll try and deal with having to ignore things while still having fun. I hope to not have to look for a new guild but if it get to be too much I know a few people will understand.

Is anyone out there reading this? Am I just doing this all for no reason? I’m starting to believe I am doing this all so I can see my road to insanity. On to the post.

[--Life--]
The past two nights/days I’ve slept for 18 hours. I do think all that talking we did a few nights ago was to just get me off her back. She called me Friday nightish to see were I was. I haven’t talked to her today yet at all. Talked to her Friday night kinda but it felt like there was tension all around. I don’t know if she will bother today (Sunday) to call or even look for me. She spent the whole day yesterday with the other dude.

I really need to talk to her. I need to find out whats going on. Even though things have been going like they are it seems like she only talks to me when I get depressed or angry. She doesn’t bother to call to see where I am. Its like I’m nothing now.

I did talk to the dude though Friday night. He seems to think things between them are going to get serious and they will be together. He said that I should just accept the fact all she wants me to be is a friend. If she wanted to be just friends why did she tell me things? Why all the “I love you”? There is more but its really private. What does this all mean? What the fuck is going on!?

So thats pretty much it. I’m going talk to her tomorrow maybe and try and see whats going on. The dude kinda told me to back off but still see whats up. Well I will talk to her and lets see if I turn cold to everyone and everything for the… What will this be? The third time in my life I will do this? So here I am getting ready for the talk about where she sees us and well maybe our last.

[--WoW--]
Might be looking for a new guild or server to transfer to.

Abandon all hope for sanity. God bless catastrophe.

Oh its also been raining for the past 2 days. I wonder if it means anything…

[--Life--]
Umm… a lot of things have happened. Lets go through the list shall we? Lets start with Monday, I went to the therapist and he told me to talk to my family doctor for antidepressants. I then came back that night to go raid and after… well. Wall of text coming.

I got to raid and have some fun. Yet through all of it I feel weird and like there is a shit ton of tension. We get done and everything I tell Kristin I want to talk to her on the phone before she goes to bed. Well she told me she was going to go pass out. Ok thats fine, wait you aren’t offline yet? You are sitting there talking to someone else that has a crush on you? Oh thats pretty tight. So I say fuck it and start looking for a server to transfer to. Now on to more because I was going to talk to her about this Wednesday and its Tuesday night right now.

So Tuesday comes around I go out and hang with Ken and his girlfriend that came up from Florida. She is pretty cool, I was open and shit. Like I just didn’t sit there all silent I actually talked to him and her. We went out and walked around. Went to the playground to play on the swings and some other crap. I go home and get online to talk to my friends (still haven’t talked to Kristin yet though). I stay up till around 5AM and pass out.

Its now Wednesday afternoon. I am in the process of looking for a friend to buy gold off me so I can get the money to transfer servers and prepairing myself for the talk with Kristin. I finally go through with talking to her and well… it wasn’t that bad. She kinda explained everything to me and was open at the start before I showed her what I saw that night. She told me that even though she likes him as a friend and maybe more that she wasn’t ready for anything serious yet and that her getting so close to me hurts a little (lot?). That she doesn’t know if she is stable enough for a relationship and that no matter what happens between her and him that I was there before him and she still likes (loves?) me the most (I hope). So after our long talk we still talked in private to each other the whole night and she called me. I’m not sure if it was just to make me happy because of what I found out or if she really wanted to talk to me. She told me it was because she wanted to talk to me.

I have to talk to the other guy this Friday (the one who likes her). I don’t know whats going to happen. I just hope it doesn’t turn into a problem that we are both looking for her affection. I already doubt myself and don’t know if I am even much of anything to someone. Sure I have friends that don’t mind hanging with me but what about someone that wants to spend their day with me. Someone that hears my voice at the start of the day or wants to hear me throughout the day.

[--WoW--]
Nothing much really. Been raiding a bit more now. If everything in my life comes crashing down I might server transfer and try to keep what true friends I have.

[--Blog--]
Updated it an everything. I even updated the plugins I use.
Also there might be spelling or grammar errors. I’m not going to look for them or fix them. There is too much to think about right now and its miniscule.